Whatever....

I haven't been blogging as much as I'd like to, or letter writing, either. I can feel the words and thoughts piling up inside my head and my heart. I just haven't had the time to sit and write; or more accurately, I haven't taken the time. And then when I do have a few free minutes, I just have no energy left. March is an obnoxiously long month. It's not fair, really; it's the longest month of the year. No holidays (well, no work holidays), no bonus days off. This year we don't even get Easter until April. Yeah, I know; life isn't fair, why should March be any different.

The busy part is my fault, actually. I'm the one who scheduled 27 programs in a 31 day month, and that's just work things. If I add in the fun stuff (not that the work stuff is all mundane, but still....), the friends and family and frolicking things, it would be a scary busy number indeed. It seems to be something I do a couple months a year; you'd think I'd learn. Ah well, I'll sleep sometime in April, I guess. ☺

But if you forget about the work stress, the wondering and fleeting angst, the mud, the snow, the long days and longer weeks ... ok, back to the positive, as I was trying to say ~ this is really one of my favourite times of the year; it always has been, and this year it seems even more so.

Today is the first day of spring, and it's almost really spring. I can feel it, I can smell it in the air. The geese are coming back, passing through; I heard them the other morning, early on a Sunday, and then again today ~ birds chirping and geese honking. The snow is melting, the ice is turning to mud. There is actual grass in the backyard. Ok, so there is a winter storm warning for this week, but still. It's spring. Well, it will be spring tonight at 7:20pm.

As if the equinox isn't enough for one weekend, there was a "super moon" last night, and it was pretty amazing. It was big and bright, and we actually had clear skies; that so rarely happens when there's a sky-gazing event. I could feel the power of the moon building all week. There was a little extra stress, a bit more angst of the unknown, and the people were a touch crazier than usual. It seems as if that all melted away overnight. Today is feeling like a day of release, of contemplation and introspection, of letting go of the past worries and accepting the challenges of the coming days, weeks, even months.

I made a decision this afternoon. I am going to get the word "whatever" out of my head. Well, I am going to get the word "whatever" ~ said in a resigned and somewhat unconfident, sort of sad and slightly sarcastic tone ~ out of my head. I have been saying it a lot lately, mostly to myself; and I have been thinking it even more. I don't like that attitude, and I refuse to live a "whatever" sort of life. I may not know exactly where I am going or how I am going to get there, but I am going to take charge of my own direction. I am going to work on becoming as confident, strong, and self-assured as the image I have been projecting; and I will do so throughout every aspect of my life, personal and professional. If I have a question, I will ask it. If I have a doubt, I will express it. If I have a smile, I will share it. If I have a dream, I will strive to make it come true (as long as there are no tap-dancing spiders....).

My life has been filled with possibilities lately. New friendships with old friends, ideas for explorations and adventures, new chances to smile and laugh and play. New eyes for some (my thoughts and heart are always with you, Merlyn ~ wait until you see what color my hair really is! ☺), new ways to listen for others, new steps in different directions. Maybe even a new life direction, a new career; time will tell, and when it does I will tell. For now, it's enough that I am keeping my mind and my options open. And I am enjoying the ride.

In other news ... National Poetry Month, otherwise known as April, is fast approaching. I tried a plan last year and fell far short of the goal. I'm going to try this year to pick it back up and see if I can really write a poem, and read a poem, every day. I shall strive, I shall attempt, we shall see....

This has been a bit of a ramble; that seems to be what I am best at lately. It's a good thing. I am discovering that only when you ramble can you get there from here, and sometimes not even then. I am also very happy to have recently learned that I am not the only one who thinks that way. (Bonus: R.E.M. agrees.)

So with these final thoughts, I shall leave you for now. Happy Spring! Go 'Cuse! Be Happy!

Thanks for listening.

On my mind....

Yeah, so the whole forced writing thing just isn't working for me these days. I'll address that at a later time in another post, but suffice it to say that I just haven't felt the pressure lately. Maybe I am just one of those people that can either live life or write about it, but not the two at the same time. These past weeks and months I have been busy living my life. I'll try to do better. I promise I'll try.

I have been writing blog posts and poems and stories in my thoughts, but never seem to find the time to post them. I know that's a lame statement (not really even an excuse), but there it is.

I have had a lot on my mind lately. Things in the news, things in my life, things at my work. Good things, bad things, and things in between. Maybe it's just that there are so many "things" I can't form thoughts about any one of them. It's ironic in a way; here I am trying to live as simply as I can, and my thoughts are becoming so confused and complicated and tangled that the last word I'd use to describe them is simple. So, I'll ramble on here a bit and maybe it will help straighten things out. I hope you'll stick with me; it gets better at the end. :)

First of all, Charlie Sheen. I will rant briefly and then he will forever be banned from my thoughts and my blog. I just have to say that I am disgusted that he is the top news item every day. He is on every show, every news cast, every radio talk show, every newspaper, every magazine, and most websites (and I do see the irony of him now being on my blog). What I don't understand is the world's aghast and surprise at his behaviour. Why is this news?? He is a sleaze, hired to play a sleaze on tv. It was perfect casting; I know lots of people who liked the show while saying in the same breath, "even though I can't stand him personally." He did his job so well that it was the number one show, both new episodes and in syndication. He was making barrels of money, for himself and his people, his fellow cast member and crew, his producers. They were all raking it in, and probably still are (after all, syndication isn't small time). So why is everyone acting all offended that he acts the way he does? He's always been that way; he likely always will. It's not news. There are so many other newsworthy people, places and things. So can we move on now?

Secondly, the Westboro Baptist Church. Or, more specifically the recent Supreme Court ruling concerning said "church" and their actions. Let's get one thing straight right off. I hate their behavior, I disagree with everything they stand for, I think they are the antithesis of Christians, I think they give the word human a bad rap. They are the embodiment of hate, of closed mindedness, of ignorance and of despair. I think the picketing and demonstrations and actions and signs and chanting are horrific, and I wish with all my being that they would stop. Having said all that, I also have to say that I will defend their constitutional right to do so until the day I die. It is free speech. It may be hateful and hurtful and disgusting to most of us, but it is free speech. If we start disallowing people from saying things we disagree with, where do we stop? It is a basic right in our country. It is what this nation was built upon; and without those basic building blocks, we'll all come tumbling down. Next will come censorship; "Hmmm, I don"t like this book (insert title here); I think no one should read it, so I won't buy it for the library, or I'll steal it or I'll burn it." Where will it end? You may disagree with me here, and I'll defend your right to do so until the day I die.

Thirdly, funding of LIBRARIES. This one has been on my mind, and in my heart, a lot lately. For obvious reasons, I suppose. I'm actually kind of tired of talking about it, and I'm really not even sure what else I can say about this one except, "WHY?" I had a patron come in today while I was on the Information Desk. She requested three books, used an internet computer, asked for help finding books on her new puppy breed, took a few tax forms and then looked at me and said, "I love this library so much. You have everything that any one could ever need. You are all so wonderful." All I could think was that I hope we are able to still be here in a few years to help her, people like her, and even those who haven't a clue.

(I was going to go on about the elimination of funding for Planned Parenthood and the DOMA, too. I think I'll save those rants for another post....)

You know what, though? Despite all of the bad news and the bad projections and the court battles and the funding crises, and the snow and ice and cold ... life is pretty good. Okay, life is really good. I find myself smiling at everything and nothing. I am so busy I almost don't have time to breathe sometimes, but it is a good busy.

I have a great family that I actually like and enjoy spending time with, not because I have to but because I want to. Not everyone can say the same. That always makes me a little sad, when I talk to someone who doesn't have a close family. I am planning another wonderful adventure with my mom ~ England and Wales ... Sherwood Forest, the Moors and the Lakes District, Dover, Hadrian's Wall, York, Hatfield House, North Wales, and so many points in between. Mom is a great friend and a wonderful travel partner. (and yes, there will be posts and pictures, even of the food....)

I have the best friends anyone could ask for, and I make sure I let them know I think so. (At least, I hope you all know so. Hmmm, maybe I'll redouble my efforts there again.) My friends are truly part of my family, and I love you all more than I can ever express. Although I miss so many of you in faire's off season, it is becoming a sweet missing, knowing I'll be seeing and hugging and playing with so many of you soon.

It's almost spring. Someone told me today that the geese are coming back! The sun is shining warmer and longer every day. I long for the green, the birds, the buds, the flowers. The time for faire is fast approaching, with three garb events before my trip and Sterling shortly thereafter.

My social life is full and fun and busy. I laugh a lot and smile even more these days, more than I can remember doing so in a very long time. I am reconnecting with old friends, making new friends and having a blast. There are dinners and movies and wine and play and music and sandwiches and parties and snuggles and laughter and frolicking and plans and so much fun. I'll admit that it is hard sometimes, though. I am so far in miles from my closest friends. An hour is a long drive, especially in the winter; but the things that matter are worth the effort, and these friendships are of the heart and mind and they are so incredibly worth it (and I am blessed that those who matter to me think so, too). Sure, there is a small measure of uncertainty, a little angst at times, some communication stress. But without those things, I suppose we wouldn't know how good we really do have it. Besides, I am a gemini and this is my life. :)

Plus, I have the best damn dog in the world.

I know that I started out this post with the awful, the dregs, the depressing. It doesn't mean that the bad is the foremost in my mind; just the opposite actually. I wanted to get the negative out so I could focus on the positive. Consider it this way ... I saved the best for last.

So, now you know some of what's been on my mind lately. I'll try not to stay away for so long next time.

Thanks for listening.